Harsh reality

Life is hard. Really really hard. Today I was drained of everything and had a major breakdown. I have a few clients and a former job that are supposed to generate my income for this month. But everything just goes wrong and everything is delayed. I’m not asking for a lot, I don’t want to be rich, shop til’ I drop and eat out everyday. I just want enough to get by, and to occasionally have a coffee or lunch with a friend, a nicer dinner once in a while. Mostly my breakdown is due to the fact that I’m broke in december of all months. I love the spirit of christmas, and I really love buying, wrapping and giving gifts to those I love. Nothing much and nothing fancy, but something. I really really love to sit at home with my gifts, christmas carols and some mulled wine while I do the wrapping. To see them open their presents on christmas eve.

Now I have no money, and my former job screwed up so I’m not getting what I was supposed to get one month ago until the 25 december. An invoice I sent out was due last friday but it hasn’t been payed, sent out a reminder today. So. I just crashed. I sat on the bed, shaking and crying. Wondering what the hell I’m up to. Trying to run a business, become a photographer? It’s so so hard, I don’t know what I’m doing, if I’m up for it. Why can’t I just move home to mum, study something and get a normal job like everyone else. A steady income without the hardships of trying to run a business, market and sell myself (not literally), understand business economics, bookkeeping… It’s just so darn hard.

There are of course times, when I feel really happy and blessed, I’m working so hard to live of my dream, and sometimes things go really well and in the right direction. But a lot of times nothing happens, things are difficult, I’m unsure of myself, what I’m doing and how to handle things. I can’t fall asleep in the evenings, my mind’s racing, trying to figure out if I’ve done my bookkeeping right, which people I should contact in the hopes of finding work. How I can produce better images, make people find my, want to afford to hire me, want to work with me. If I’m good enough.

I don’t know if I had any thoughts behind this post. I guess I just felt I wanted to write, get things of my mind a bit. Let you guys know that it’s not all just pretty photos of tasty food.

Edit: of course I’m not going to give up, move home and study. No way. But when times are hard, thoughts like that do emerge.